Popular Psychology. Psychologist’s advice on a daily basis. Loneliness
The issue
10 to 30% of the population in developed countries, suffer from chronic loneliness, in which a person feels cut off from the rest of the world, say psychologists. There are actually two types of loneliness. Transient loneliness and briefly caused by a particular cause. For example, you feel lonely, if a company where you work, takes you to another city and you’ll have to get away from friends and family. In the end, you have forged new friends, and loneliness will pass. Chronic loneliness lasts indefinitely, as the common cold, from which you can not even get rid of. The worst kind of chronic loneliness, is emotional loneliness, it stems from a constant lack of warmth and love. The usual reason is low self-esteem.
The reason
Men are more prone to chronic loneliness than women, because they heavier express their feelings. Between women there are tied close emotional relationships, as they are able to speak frankly with each other about their feelings. Most men can not decide it or do not believe that this should be done.
Moreover, often as a man’s best friend is his wife or girlfriend, those who do not have a favorite, and those who are unhappy in marriage are likely to feel a sense of loneliness.
How serious is that?
Transient solitude is painful, but this is a temporary phenomenon. Chronic loneliness – the more difficult test, it deprives a person of emotional support. Man needs love no less than food and water. In a classic experiment with monkeys, calves, deprived of parental love and care, were unable to normal development. Such a condition has been called “hospitalism” syndrome or the separation of children from their homes. We can say that people suffering from chronic loneliness are not incapable of a normal life. “This is similar to life in solitary confinement.
The solution
Look in the eyes. If you want to make friends with someone or meet with a woman, you have to make them feel that you are an open, friendly person with whom anyone would be glad to talk. To convince yourself of the location and sympathy, and above all, look in the eyes. Eye contact is a kind of psychological encouragement. Watching the person’s eyes is as if you say: “You interest me.” There is even a rule, derived by studying the values of eye contact: Look directly in the eyes for 15-20 seconds (if you look longer, people would feel uncomfortable). Then look away for 5 seconds. Then follow this formula, alternating between straight gaze and look away. Over time, this behavior becomes a habit. If you’re one of those who looks away too often and for a long time, you should reconsider your behavior. If you avoid the gaze of the companion, he can understand this to mean that he is not interested in you, often this behavior is simply bullying. Stop playing a double game. Do not have intercourse for more than three different organizations, it is best limited to two. Of course, being a member of a club, it’s easier to meet new people, but if you join right away in a few clubs, you just do not have time for really meaningful relationships. Numerous nodding acquaintances will not solve the problem of loneliness. So concentrate on visiting the clubs or organizations that you actually like.
Join a club or sign up for courses, where you will find people who share your interests. This is one of the surest ways to make new friends. Join a sports club, sign up for swimming. Find a book club for fans of detective stories. In general, is good any such organization or society. The wider the social circle is, the greater the chance that you will meet someone who will have you in mind. All you need is to find one or two associates.
Learn to listen. Another key to communicating with people is to treat their speeches with rapt attention, this technique is called active listening. Imagine that at a certain business event, you meet an attractive woman. Listening to her, you look into her eyes, nodding in agreement, from time to time, thereby encouraging the questioner to continue the conversation. Sometimes you ask probing questions about the meeting: it shows that you listen attentively and respond vividly at what was said.
Try to “decode the received message. In a conversation with a man who lost composure, hear it and say something like: “I understand what it was for you hardship.” With this one sentence you have summed up the conversation, have shown that you are actively listening to decode the information, and quite eloquently responded to it. Active listening can seem benign, but it is very effective. In addition, when you find a companion with the same interests and values, and that you also have, all these nodding and stares no longer seem to be a sham. They will be completely honest
Take care of men
It is not always the one who lives alone that feels a sense of loneliness. In history there are many examples of people self-sufficient, which did not need anyone’s company for one reason or another. Here are three of those who have left an indelible mark in history, having passed his way alone.
1. Admiral Richard Byrd (Bird) (1888-1957). The first man to fly over the North Pole spent five months in Antarctica alone and was happy.
2. Thomas Merton (1915-1968). Monk, a member of the Order of Trappists, writer that glorified loneliness.
3. Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862). An ardent advocate of individualism, the author of ”Walden, or Life in the Woods” {1854), embodied the idea of living close to nature.
Aggressive men are often alone, because they need is to lead others, to dominate over the need for love and friendship. If this is your case, try to restrain the desire to control or manipulate people with whom you are pitting life. Understand that it is possible that the desire to command pushes you from people.
Alternative approaches
Treat yourself with flowers. Maybe it’s strange, but a method of alternative medicine called flower therapy, helps to relieve feelings of loneliness. Flower essences are liquid extracts of plants used exclusively for the treatment of emotional disorders. Experts recommend the use of essences from flowers of mallow to overcome the social discomfort, and developing a sense of trust and cordiality. The recommended dose is four drops (sublingual) four times a day. In the flower essences there are contained very small amount of starting material. This means that they are non-toxic and an overdose is not possible, unless you drink a huge amount and become a victim of alcohol used in them as a preservative.
Prophylaxis
Be a good listener. Egocentricity, preoccupation with yourself is the basic psychological factor of loneliness. The ability to show interest in others is a criterion of mental health. So try to focus on the interests of the other person - his thoughts, feelings and everyday life. If you show genuine interest in others, you are more likely to find friends who would be interested in you.
Do not let friendships slide. Saving your friends is as difficult as finding them. If you perceive the friendship as a matter of course, she gradually comes to naught.
